Star Wars-Mania: The Second Coming

Okay, that’s it, I’m pitching a tent, de-tenting the pole, and hoisting a jolly roger on it that says “Star Wars Forever.” And it’s not going away until Christmas. Nobody is celebrating Christmas this year. I’m sorry, Jesus, you did a great job redeeming mankind of all their sins, performing “miracles” and getting a lot of apparently straight men to profess their love for you and praise you but you’re going to have to take a back seat and let Star Wars guide us the rest of the way to the promised land over in that galaxy far, far away. It’s more impressive than Moses’s feat, too, in that it only took Star Wars 32 years of wandering around in the desert rather than a full 40. Maybe you chosen people can take note of how we fired our Moses and replaced him after he lead us to three different figments of imagination oases that turned out to be piles of bantha poodoo.

Why all this Biblical imagery? Friends, I have my own Christian-like testimony to unveil here and now. I hope you find consolation, inspiration, even aspiration, in my story. I lost faith in Star Wars after seeing Episode I for the second time. I think seeing it the first time I was so stunned by the sheer horribleness of it that much of what made it so terrible didn’t sink in until that second viewing. I sank into a precipice of darkness as with perhaps the rest of the world, and we saw the dire consequences of that when Al Queda attacked on 9/11/2001. Am I saying that they attacked us because of the Star Wars prequel? Well, is it a coincidence that they did it a mere two years after it was released? I’m just reporting, you decide. Also John Lennon’s killer pulled the trigger because of the Pre-Sgt. Pepper’s American bastardizations of superior British Beatles product. I’m just saying think about it.

But, friends, there was an even worse, darker Star Wars movie to come. I speak, of course, of Episode II. My friend had told me at the time it was better than episode I. The charlatans at Rollingstone even put out a ranking list at the time putting Episode II above Episode VI (!!!) and above Episode I which was ranked last. I was still not interested at first but my curiosity got the best of me. I’d say my faith hit rock bottom when a computerized Yoda fought a geriatric Count Dooku with lightsabers. It was so bad that I became convinced that I would never be able to be a child again. That innocence was gone, lost forever in the sands of… oh, ahem, excuse me. I’m rambling. I saw Episode III on DVD because my cousin liked it and said it connected well with the original trilogy. The less said about that, the better. (“Noooooooo!”)

The point is George Lucas was once a hero, perhaps even a jedi, but turkeychin and complacence turned him to the dark side where he was reborn not as Darth George Lucas but George Lucas the Hutt. And this Hutt has done far more than just try to preserve Star Wars in carbonite. With the series of prequels he truly did come close to suffocating and snuffing out the series forever. Since then fans from the rebellion corporation of Disney have bought out the rights in a surprise move and handed the film to J.J. Abrams to helm. It’s no coincidence in my mind that the young looking director’s surname is the equivalent of Abraham’s name before his covenant with God. This is indeed a case of the people looking back and (hopefully) trying its damnedest to preserve all of what made the original movies so great.

George Lucas

“Keewana nagi pooda money money money auggggggghhh…” *tongue goes in and out suggestively*

Anyways, this is the part of my post that is about ideas and perhaps even a call to action. Seeing as we know that the new Star Wars movie will far overshadow Christmas this year, I was thinking we better get multiplex theaters to change all their screens to Star Wars for opening day. We don’t have to keep them on all Star Wars screenings, but I think we have a duty to those who believe in fun to make sure that everybody who wants to have (even more) fun on Christmas day will get the chance to do so. The words “we couldn’t get tickets because all the showings were sold out” should never be uttered by anyone. And you know what? Honestly, the Gospel knows no boundaries in this case. Why not have screenings of Star Wars at churches so that Christians could have fun in church for once in their lives?

This is my actual response to Christians who tell me every day they go to church is fun.

And yes, I do actually Spock it up at the end there.

Is it just me or does Harrison Ford look better in this than he did in the last Indiana Jones movie? Maybe that’s just because I’ve got my Han Solo-colored glasses on right now. If the rest of the new Star Wars movies live up to “Chewie, we’re home” then I’m thinking we’re going to have to find new religious connotated names for these various Star Wars series. The first trilogy will be called the Old Testament. This new trilogy will be called the New Testament. And the middle trilogy will be forever banished as the Dark Ages. I just wish that those who wanted to forget about them in order to make their lives better were given an optional Men In Black neauralyzer. By the way, Men In Black, don’t bullshit me. I know you exist! Anyways, this is our chance, people. No more Asian aliens, no more Jar Jar, no more pod races, no more Anakin (both portrayals are terrible), no more effects above story and verve, no more of all the rest of the terrible one-dimensional stupid characters with no personalities, and last but not least no more George Lucas. The other big idea I want everybody to get from this article is the filing of an injunction against George Lucas from ever touching the Star Wars franchise again. Down with the wretched hive of scum and villainy (against taste) and up with the reincarnation of a dream. To the promised land, Jews- I mean Star Wars fans!

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